Tuesday, March 6, 2012

Wrestling


 
Three times today I've heard the exact same question asked to me; by three totally unrelated people in completely different settings. The wording might have been different but the results they were seeking were all the same.


"Is she your only one?"

"Is she an only child?"

"How many kids do you have?"


Maybe our daughter is getting to an age where most people already have another one, or maybe we look old like we should have a houseful?

Although the questions don't offend me, I do feel that there are implications to the questioning. Like somehow we must have the perfect 2-4 kids. No more, no less. You see, if you only have one then there are automatics that are assumed. Your child must be unsocialized, you just want it easy on yourselves and have the benefit of one child. She must be spoiled rotten! If you have more than four somehow you are automatically a large abnormal family somehow. You can barely fit in a idealistic SUV or minivan and you are certainly part of the quiver full movement. By no means are either one of these approximations true, but none the less, they are the things society thinks!

It's easy to let societal norms translate into what we should do in our family, particularly with family size. Afterall, most things we do as a family aren't the common American ideal way of doing things since we are missionaries in this crazy Army, so shouldn't we at least try to look like a normal family?!

These thoughts have been swirling around in my head for the past few weeks. I began to feel sorry for our daughter thinking about her not having siblings right now. That sorrow turned into discontentment and reared it's ugly head as anger.

We have a desire for many more children. We have spent many nights processing paperwork, exposing our home to many inspections and sending emails to and from the foster care agency.  Yet, God has closed that door that he had us work so hard to pry open. We feel that it's just a for a season but we don't know His ways.

My discontentment seeped out in the form of questions to God, and I knew I was headed down a slippery slope and I had the entire American culture I was sliding down with. Why could he not just give us one more child right now? Why am I feeling like I should have peace with one child? Who will fill the other slot when everything is set up for a family of four?

The Lord, in His faithful, patient and abiding way implied a very simple and profound truth on my heart.

                      {Wanting something that is not in MY will for you right now is simply SIN!}

You might be thinking well of course there are things that I want that God doesn't have in the game plan right now. I want world peace, I want every person to hear the gospel, I want all orphans to find a forever home. I'm not talking about those hopes and prayers. I'm talking about pushing my agenda so much that it brings me to a place where I have the audacity to question a Sovereign God. That my friends, is sin.

In my quest for contentment I am finding new joy in our little one. I am reminding myself to delight in being the mommy of one on those days where I have been teacher, mother, playmate, chef and maid to her. I'm barricading my mind with scripture when I start to wonder what it must be like to have many children that play together. I'm praying that I wait upon Him and count my blessings in my waiting. My prayer is to leave the sin of discontentment no room in this heart that my Creator conquered.

What about you? Are some of your plans conflicting with the Lord's plans and you need to lay them down?



                               

2 comments:

  1. Very well spoken Jessica! I think one of the biggest struggles for women at tends to be contentment. We must {as you have said} fight to be content and find our supreme satisfaction in Christ. We must be so anchored in Him that whatever comes or doesn't come we still find immeasurable peace. The Adoption process is one of the biggest roller coasters ever and the Lord will continue to teach you so much about Himself through your second adoption.

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  2. We just have one right now as well. We constantly get told that he's ready for a playmate. I would love a second, third, fourth, whatever the Lord provides, but right now, I'm working on being content with the precious life He has given me for now!

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